I decided life was shit in first school when my teacher that I thought was wonderful held up my writing in class and says I’d never get anywhere with work like this and there was me just for one moment thinking she liked it ’cos no one had ever held up my work in class except for a picture of a tree once when I was in pre-school and that doesn’t count because they says and what’s this then tell me about this picture and I says it’s a tree and they says marvelous well done what a fantastic tree and but if they had to ask in the first place they didn’t see it was a tree at all.

Anyhow I’m better at trees now.

And when I says that to my special teacher she gives me this big empty book with squares instead of lines and I says what’s that for and she says to write about you and about your life and anything you want ’cos it’s your very private diary and it’ll help you get on in life and you don’t have to show anyone if you don’t want to ’cos that’s what very private means and I can write anything I want to get it off my chest in diary time and we can talk about it if I want so as I can get on with my learning work more OK but I says I don’t have nothing on my chest except my bra and my tee-shirt and a hoodie when it’s cold and she says that’s not what I mean so I says why don’t you say what you do mean and she says she does and I must say what I mean too and I says I does too.

So I tell mum and she says great it’ll be called a biogerfy when it gets into a book one day and makes her a lot of money and I don’t get why she’s laughing and I says I don’t do exciting things to write about like what’s on tele and mum says that don’t matter ’cos there’s loads of boring books all the time that don’t have exciting things in them and people read them anyway.

Anyway then my teacher says write what happened yesterday and I say nothing happened and she says it doesn’t matter dear you make something up so I write a story that’s on tele about this dad hitting his kid and breaks her arm and then people come round to my house and ask me if I am OK and I say yes why and then dad does his blinding and fucking thing as mum calls it and asks why the fuck he got a moron for a daughter and mum says it’s pretty bloody obvious when she’s got a moron for a dad and my brother says fucking-a and dad says don’t you use fucking language like that in my house you little fucker so mum slams dinner on the table and tells us all to fill our gobs and stop yelling ’cos she’s had efuckingnuff.

They think ’cos I’m slow I don’t get things but all the time I’m growing and thinking and learning what life’s all about and they says I have to be good and mustn’t lie ’cos that’s bad but I can tell stories then I learn a story is a lie and it’s not OK and I don’t get it at all.

Instead of school on Tuesday I goes on the bus with my mate Carol to be grown up and look after each other around the shops and buy what’s on a list my teacher made and bring it back to make dinner with tomorrow in a cooking lesson and keep a list of what we spend and we goes into the shop where mum gets a coffee when her feet are all puffed up from standing on them all day long and we get two giant fluffy coffees with chocolate bits and some cakes and when that’s all gone we goes to the shop to get the dinner stuff and the lady at the till says we don’t have enough money and I says but teacher says we gotta have stuff for dinner and she says she’ll call the cops but I calls mum and she comes and picks us up and the stuff for dinner so that’s all right then but my teacher says no that’s not all right then we won’t be doing that again in a hurry will we and I says I don’t see why not ’cos it wasn’t my fault you didn’t give us enough money and we didn’t get lost or nothing.

After grub we all watch that show on tele about winning a million which I’d like ’cos I see places on tele I’d like to go and we never do like where those whales and elephants live and I says why can’t we go on tele and win a million and dad says bloody wanker should a known the answer to that one and mum says so what’s the answer to this one then and he says how am I supposed to fucking know that anyway so she says I thought you was the clever one and he says why should I know who the president is anyway I don’t  bloody live there do I and she says trump twat and he says so who’s the prime minister then smartarse and she says it’s not one of the questions and my brother says theresa may and dad says smartarse anyhow it’s a bloody fine day when women get to be prime minister I mean look what happened when that cow maggie got in and what fucking good did that do anyone anyhow?

Then billy goes off to do his homework and dad says ’aint I got no homework so I can fuck off too and I says I did work at school it was all that stuff about timesing numbers up to ten and he says what’s the point me going to school anyway if all they teach me is timesing numbers up to ten I mean to say aren’t there a bloody sight more numbers going all the way up to a billion so I says I can’t count that far yet but I can times the numbers up to ten and once-one is one and two ones is two and he says what the fuck is once-one supposed to mean don’t they teach you anything useful in that school of yours then mum says what like you that left school with nothing but the pants you stood up in and he says at least he was standing up and wearing ’em when she spent most of her time on her back without ’em but I don’t know what he means ’cos she has to stand up in the shop all day and lying down’s only for at night like we all do except dad sometimes goes out after I’ve gone to bed and then when he comes in there’s a lot of shouting and screaming and I put my hands over my ears and sing till it goes all quiet like.

Then mum gets this letter from school and asks me what they’re talking about that she don’t give me good stuff to eat ’cos I get cake and crisps and sweets for a treat like everyone else and what’s it got to do with them anyway and why don’t they mind their own bloody business and who the hell do they think they are telling her what to put in my lunch box and hasn’t she bin doing it for eleven years now and for billy too so what’s their problem and I say we done a lesson all about nutrition and we gotta eat more apples only I don’t like apples so could I have extra chocolate ’cos that’s got nuts in so its good food and she says I eat like a horse and if I eat any more I’m gonna get like the side of a house.

I don’t get that.

Last night this man comes to our house to ask dad for money and he’s got this  black suit on and talks funny but this time dad doesn’t get his wallet out he says piss off you bloodsucking wanker you’re always asking me for money and the man says well you took the loan out for a car so it’s an oblergation and he says I ’aint got the fucking car no more have I when the fucking council put that bollard in the way what wrote the fucking car off and they ought to be buying me another fucking car not sending round people asking for fucking money for what I ’aint got no more and where’s the sense in that and the man says I’m not from the council I’m from the building society and it’s an oblergation and dad says that’s not my fucking problem is it and he slams the door so hard the glass breaks and I goes in my room and draws trees till it’s time to go to bed.

I’m good at trees.

I know I’m not bright like billy and because I’m growing big I have life classes now and learn how to look after myself in the communerty when mum and dad can’t look after me no more so I know how to make a cup of tea but I says I don’t like tea anyway and Coke is easy ’cos you just go to the shops and get it and open the bottle and not boil kettles which mum says is dangerous ’cos I might burn myself darling so I says why can’t I just have coke and she says it makes me fat and besides that it’s poison but I don’t see how it can be when lots of people drink coke all the time and don’t die and I like it.

Dad says it’s a fat chance I’ll ever be living on my own but my teacher says I have to learn ’cos dad’s not going to live for ever so I ask when’s dad going to die and she says not soon enough which is good ’cos dad and mum and billy is my family and I know mum gets frazzled and dad gets mad when he’s had a few but he’s my dad and sometimes he gives me a big cuddle and asks is my brain OK tonight and I say yeah it’s fine and we sit and watch a film together with lots of blood and shooting and driving cars into buildings and billy’s not allowed to watch ’cos he’s not as old as me and besides he’s got to do well at school or dad’ll whup his arse for him.

Next day I get to see Mrs Fannyshaw but she gets mad when I call her that only I don’t know why ’cos billy says it’s her name and he should know ’cos my brother and his mates tell me all the time why would I be going to see Fannyshaw if I was clever like them and then they follow me all around the playground saying Fannyshaw’s wearing drawers but she don’t know ’cos they don’t show and I don’t know why it’s funny ’cos drawers is what you put your clothes and knives in what don’t show anyhow when it’s closed but on they go over and over and over ’til I want to scream at them then I get back to drawing trees and I’m OK again.

We ’aint got no trees in our road.

Mum says not to worry about the boys darling ’cos they can’t help being horrid it’s what boys do best and my teacher says I’m supposed to ignore them and get on with my life best I can seeing as I started off with such a big disvantage in our house but I looked everywhere for a disvantage at our house then mum says what’s she on about we ’aint got one anyway but it’s hard to ignore the boys and they don’t let up so I get some dog shit and put it in their lunch boxes at break and then I have to go and see Mrs Fannyshaw and  mum has to go to the school and dad laughs until he near on wets hisself and says I don’t know what all the fuss is about ’cos everyone’s always talking shit and life’s all shit so does it matter if it’s human shit or dog shit but anyhow mum made it clear absolutely clear I mustn’t do that again or I’d be in deep shit.